I love looking at run orders before a trial — seeing who else I can expect to see there, how many dogs will be in our class, if there are any out-of-state entries, etc. But if I’m honest with myself, there’s a part of this routine I don’t love, too.
It’s the way my brain sizes up our chances against so-and-so or such-and-such. It’s the way certain names make my heart drop a tiny bit, like the deflation of a very small balloon. It’s such a subtle thing it’s easy to dismiss. But dismissing it does nothing to stop the pattern from repeating. I know this from doing it many, many times.
Here’s the thing: on an intellectual level, I’ve decided I don’t go to agility trials to “win.” On an intellectual level, I know I can achieve ALL my goals for this trial without winning a single class. On an intellectual level, I understand the reasons I don’t want to compare myself to others.
But that twinge — that tiny deflated balloon — tells me these decisions and knowings haven’t fully sunk in. I can ignore that, or I can choose to explore it.
For me exploring it looks like sitting down with my journal and asking myself what’s up? Why does this bother me, really? It looks like being compassionate with the answers that arise, but also questioning them. Often it looks like some truly potent wisdom that arises from inside when I actually take the time to ask and to listen.
If you know what I mean when I say certain things are “on an intellectual level” while your subconscious operates in conflict to your chosen beliefs and values, the next step is in the twinges. It’s in the choice to explore instead of ignore when you feel them.
It’s in your commitment to be kind and patient with yourself as you unwind beliefs so fundamentally ingrained you didn’t know they were beliefs. Thoughts so subtle and pervasive you didn’t realize they were thoughts.
It IS possible to deeply and truly change, all the way to your core. The day will come when you realize you’ve transcended that intellectual level. The feelings you experience and the results you create will transform to reflect that. But not if you continue to ignore, ignore, ignore.
So ask yourself: why does this bother me, really? Are those assumptions really true? What else could be true, or truer?
Listen to the answers and see where they lead you.
